Well, I'm fairly certain I broke one of the first rules of blogging with my first post. It was way too long. No one is going to want to read that. That means I don't want to wait months before my next post, or I'll have broken a second rule of blogging by not keeping my faithful readers (read: friends and family members who are obligated to read this so I can justify all the typing) engaged.
Oh, the dreaded "e" word. I was engaged once. For quite awhile actually, and I was sure that he was going to be The One. Things changed though. And up until a great conversation over coffee that I had with the wonderful Kathy Jones, a brilliant, beautiful, and bold Christian woman who is a part of the Upper Room staff, I thought that it was all my fault. I was convinced that I did something wrong to no longer deserve the honorable title of being his wife, or that even worse, in the days and weeks immediately after the "break-up" my stubbornness and love for this man lead me to ignore God's plan for my life.
Fortunately, the grace of God, and the wise women He has blessed my life with, have straightened things up for me.
First, contrary to my gut reaction of "It's all my fault! I'm a horrible woman who drove a great guy away!" I was reminded that I am not the ugly, weak, inadequate, unworthy, "failure" of a woman I was beginning to fear I was. Instead, I am a woman of God. An heir to His Kingdom, empowered by His grace and lead by His Spirit. (Really, learning, understanding, and accepting that took much longer than this paragraph would lead you to believe, but for sake of space and your attention, we're going to leave it at that.)
Second, (and this realization was pretty recent) I didn't act foolishly or behave in an "un-Godly" way by fighting back when my fiance tried to end our relationship. Many of my friends, and those wonderful parents of mine, encouraged me and supported me with love and prayers each step along the way and gave me my first sense of peace. When I decided to empty my checking account, jump on a plane, and skip my last week of classes of my first year of law school in order to be able to sit down and have a face-to-face conversation with him to try to figure out what happened, my support group was in full force. My roommate Andrew got on Kayak.com (his preferred travel site) and started looking for the next flight I could get on. My right-hand Nicole drove straight to my house when I texted her even though I still on the "break-up phone call", held my hand when I was crying on the bathroom floor, and offered to jump in the car and drive down there with me if we couldn't find a flight less than 3 months rent --- only she could make that adventure seem like a fun "Road Trip!!!" My parents didn't seem to flinch. Instead of saying "Should you really skip school and spend that much money?", they said "Of course, honey! Go! We'll drive you to the airport!" All my wonderful college roommates sent prayers my way and reminded me that I was wonderful. My law school friends offered to take notes for me and help me cram for exams once I got back. It was one of the moments in which I felt truly blessed.
Their prayers, encouragement, and support continued to be a constant throughout the following weeks. Amidst all the crying, confusion, and uncertainty, I knew I had them and that everything was going to be okay. But as my former fiance felt more and more sure that this was "God's Will" I felt worse and worse. Not only was I not enough for him, I apparently wasn't following Him and His will for my life. I was, and am, devastated that I could turn away from the one Man who has always loved me, pursued me, and fought for me no matter what. It became hard to pick up the Bible, and I struggled to find words with which to pray and cry out to My God. But the pearl of wisdom that the lovely Kathy Jones shared with me last Monday afternoon, gives me a new found hope and peace.
God isn't always going to give us a clear sign. Sure, some people may feel at "peace" but who is to say that that is always His Spirit coming over them and giving them affirmation rather than simply a sense of relief at finally taking control of a situation which felt helpless? Life is a series of decisions. Some we can make without a second thought. Others are a bit more difficult. Maybe they have the potential to impact many years of your future rather than just a few seconds. Maybe it will impact the lives of others in addition to yourself. Or maybe it's just a really tough call, "Should I wear the dark blue one-shoulder dress or the strapless mauve dress to Hilary's wedding?" Regardless, the choice is ours, and while I firmly believe God will place certain things on our hearts and minds, we cannot say with the utmost confidence that we know exactly what He is going to have in store for us, and He isn't always going to give us a clear sign. Often we'll have to step forth in faith, hoping and praying for the best, trusting that He has great things in store.
Kathy reminded me of this when we met for coffee. She said sometimes God speaks to us most clearly, by stopping us in our tracks. By ending the relationship I thought was meant to last forever, even though I tried to "make it work", He was letting me know it wasn't quite what He had in store. It doesn't mean that I should have just been okay with it when I first got the "We're not right for each other" phone call. Instead, it means that I should run the race on the path that I'm on, for as long as I possibly can until He stops me, or directs me another way... It was right for me to fight. It didn't mean that I was demonstrating disobedience to Him, or that I thought my way was better than His... It meant that I was acting in faith, giving it my all, and seeking to truly understand where He wanted me to be.
Or at least that's what I took away from the conversation. She also recommend a book called, "Chasing Day" by Erwin McManus. It's now on my summer reading list, and I'll come back to post and let you all know what he has to say. But for now, I'm going to work on running the race and continue being the Girl who isn't afraid to chase after what she thinks God wants of her when the occasion calls for it because once I get off course, He'll put me back on the right track. I might be able to break blogging rules, but I can't break a new trail... That's something only He can do.
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